Book
I look back on my life and begin to realize it was not ordinary. I used to think everyone had the same issues. I did not understand what had happened in my life. I had so much promise. I worked in some pretty impressive projects in my 20s, mostly Dept of Defense work.
But I had a mental issue I did not know about that had that caused me to make bad choices. I was able to correct much of the self inflicted damage I did, but did not see the deeper, rooted issues I had. These were making me destroy things in my life that made me happy.
I did it with some good women who tried to love me but I felt deep inside that I did not deserve. I didn't know what was going on in my brain in the early days. As a young adult I was an achiever. I was raised by a man who built the F-1 rocket engines that started our trips to the Moon. He was an ex-Marine who saw service in Korea. I was trying to impress him. I worked in Mission Control for the Space Shuttle landings as well as many D.O.D. Projects nicknamed “Star Wars Projects”.
But, as it were, my father was very instrumental in causing me to form a negative self image. I knew, even as a very young person, that I was genius. I was always baffled by why my father did not support that and help build my confidence. But as far back as I can remember he would often say things like “you're worthless as tits on a Boar”.
It took me until my fifties to understand how I was programmed and how that negative programming showed up throughout life. But I had to go through a decade of alternating manic and depressive episodes. I would feel great and usually take on a big project. That lasted for a couple months to a couple years. I was featured in news media, TV; radio; newspapers, for forming projects to help people.
When I would go manic I could last a few days, weeks, months or, in one case two years. In one that lasted about a year I tried to organize a taxi drivers association in San Diego. I found companies that would write group policies for various things like healthcare and such. I found backing from the Hotel/Motel Association and the Restaurant Association.
There is more, like meeting with city official and being on a local radio show by invitation. The point is that I could go to great lengths and heights when manic. I have been featured on local media, TV and print in four cities, San Diego; Portland, OR; St. Petersburg, FL and Reno, NV. I taught myself a lot about organizing through these events and projects.
Usually I would crash and fall, but one time I spent a year and a half with what I considered the woman of my dreams. In 2004 I was in a manic episode. But I had no idea of that. I had just met the love of my life. Although she lived in Germany I felt that was no barrier. When you're manic it is easy to overlook such things. So I brought her to see me in person. I drove a taxi then and put in a lot of 16 hr days for weeks to pay the expenses of bringing her here and taking two trips for a total of 9,000 miles all over the West. We had a wonderful time traveling all over the western USA. I was riding high and loving it.
Then I had to destroy it. The second time I brought her here I began the sabotage. By the end of the three weeks we had she had withdrawn from me. I had begun taking her for granted and not taking care of the relationship. When I dropped her at the airport it was the last time I ever saw her. It still makes me sad to think of it. When she left me I was devastated. I crashed back into deep depression. It took a couple years from there to get me to the decision point that started my climb out of depression.
At one point, as I recall somewhere around 2007, I made a conscious decision to live and to make a better life. I really just wanted to die most of the time. I had tried ending my life once with 32 sleeping pills and a large bottle of wine. That was in 2002 in Portland, OR. I turned to the VA health system for help.
I crashed hard for two years over this. I wanted so much to kill myself. But in 2004 when I was with Maria we had visited my niece in Missoula, MT. She had a 9 year old daughter. Azure had not seen anyone much from the family since hey lived so remotely from everyone else.
Later, when I was back in depression, I could never try to take my life again. Whenever I actively looked for a method, maybe some sort of hose to put in my car window from the exhaust pipe, or whatever, I would think about how it would affect Azure. I knew I was the product of some bad childhood programming and did not want to leave a lifelong psychological scar on her.
This book is a result of research I have done since I stabilized out of depression. It has been four years now. I have had some significant challenges to my positive orientation. Enough that I feel stable and ready to present to the world my version of how to overcome depression and other issues.
I am not a doctor or any sort of medical professional. I have had no training in anything related to the medical or medical diagnostic system. I give no medical advice in this book. I tell of my own experiences.
One additional bit of information that seems to fit my theory, that many mental issues can be significantly resolved by a physical change in the brain, is that I applied much of what I learned about self-reprogramming to myself when I had a full stroke in June of 2015. I was past most of the issues associated with the stroke, loss of strength in the entire left side of my body and unintelligible speech, within a little more than a month. I took the medications for a week and then threw them away.
Since the stroke was caused by a brain injury I used my knowledge of how to grow new neural networks to this issue and believe I grew a new neural network around the damaged area. I will go into more detail later in the book.
In this book I attempt to bring together the various pieces of the puzzle of how we think, and more importantly, how to change that thinking. You can overcome much in life with this information. But the first step is to resolve issues that block your path.
Enjoy this book and feel free to send any stories, suggestions or criticisms to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
In November of 2000 I was a new big rig driver. I drove cross country solo, which means it was just me in the truck. I would be on the road for twenty eight days and have two days home. I didn't keep an apartment since I was only home for two days a month. So I stayed in motel rooms while “home”.
The trucking company I drove for, about the biggest in the USA, severely truncated our training. From a normally 30 day school there were about 40 of us that were pushed through in 11 days. So the mishaps I personally went through would fill a book. I could do another on the stories I heard. Like a friend that told me about a train peeling the front of his flat front cab like s sardine can.
Home was Portland, OR at that time. In my life my mental instability caused me to move around a lot. I lived in thirteen states, but had a triangle of three cities that were my main “homes”, Portland, OR; San Diego, CA and Phoenix, AZ. I lived in each of them multiple times. Just trying to remember the dates I lived in each one is a blur.
Portland was attractive because of the beauty of the area and the city, but also for the general attitude there. I love Portland, but I am a desert guy so a lot of rain is difficult for me. Phoenix was mostly the place I would go when I wanted a low cost of living. I was not too into Phoenix itself, but I loved central and northern Arizona. I once spent a year in Sedona, AZ (a story in itself). San Diego by far is my favorite. It has everything, natural beauty, interesting history, beaches, desert, mountains and a generally happy attitude. But the cost of living has driven me away a few times.
I think this might be part of my issues as I wandered through adulthood. I have always found myself moving from place to place. Always with the idea of a fresh start. I have lived in thirteen states. The cities I mentioned are the main repeated cities, but there were many more. I really cannot come up with a good explanation of why I would uproot myself so many times and move on. In childhood I was torn away from my friends, school and all familiar surroundings in Woodland Hills, CA to move to St. Petersburg, FL. I was 11. This was 1968. Then once we decided California was better for us than Florida, we moved back when I was 17. I got to say goodbye to good friends twice before I was 18.
I had been in Florida for seven years. I had gotten over my old friends in California and made my new life with new friends in Florida. Then Wham! It happened again. I had made a lot of good friends in Florida. I was part of a youth program where I was one of the leaders. I had gone to bible college. I was embedded in Florida. But since I was still just 17 I had to go back to California with my parents.
After a few months of living at home and hating it I moved out of the house to a hot attic over the garage. It was very hot and uncomfortable. But was better than living in the house with my family. From here I enlisted in the Air Force. My parents were happy to sign the papers.
I actually did well in the A.F. except for personality clashes with my supervisors. I did not take B.S. And would question them. I once bought a book on the rights of serviceman by the ACLU. I would assert my rights when they would try to use some BS to keep me and others in line. My daddy issues I guess. But I found out something I used to get out.
I will only say that I got them to kick me out and then I thwarted their plans to give me a general discharge. I got a honorable discharge with full benefits and no reserve commitment. It would actually take an act of Congress to let me reenlist.
So, as with so many things in life I screwed that one up too. I think sometimes about how I could have retired with 20 years 21 years ago. Now I am 30% disabled for leg and ankle damage caused by an overzealous drill Sargent that overrode orders for me to go to medical rest for the damage he had caused. His ignoring the orders and making me run and march with the rest of the flight caused permanent damage.
As I write this book I will refer from time to time to events from my childhood to illustrate some point or another. I really thought long and hard about writing this book since I could see no way to really make any impact but to use real world examples from my own experiences to illustrate the concepts I will present in this book.
Much of what I have come up with was by trial and error. After the fact, while researching workings of the brain, I stumbled on a concept that seems recent in brain science called “Brain Plasticity” or or “Neural Plasticity”. One and the same.
The stuff I have found that worked are concepts of focused, intentional thinking. Many times self help books tell you to change your way of thinking in one way or another. But they usually do not give you the tools to actually do the change.
I consider myself to be a pretty logical guy. I have a heavy technical background. I learned a lot of stuff about intentional thinking and replacing negative thoughts with positive. But the actual way to make that work was left out. If I had the knowledge long ago that I have now …., well that would be a totally different reality so no telling.
In any case, what I propose to do is to lay out some concepts about how to change your thinking and then show evidence that what I say is plausible. Remember, I am not a medical professional so I cannot make claims. I can just take you on my own journey so you can see what I had to work with and what the result was of applying the information in this book.
My intent is to present what I learned and used to get out of depression. I know from experience that when you are deep in depression nothing holds your interest. So for someone to say “here is your way out of depression” would just be someone else presumptuous enough to want me to believe he/she knew what it is like.
I am an experiencer. I KNOW what it is like to be deeply depressed, even to the point of making an attempt on my life. I know the darkness. I know the apathy. The disconnection from society and any friends that are still around.
I will try to keep your attention and present this information in such a way as to give you reason to believe it. I think it is important to really believe what I tell you since it is designed to cause the brain to make actual changes in it's “wiring”.
Many self help books are written by very good people. But they usually only tell you such things as to replace negative thinking with positive, or just plainly to think positive. These are shortened versions of what I have to say, but I feel it is important for you to know that this information is based on real science. So I will include references so you can see for yourself. The trick is in how I used this information. I started with a small experiment that when I saw positive results I added other facets to my “experiment” that eventually led me out of depression.
I understood, when I first conceptualized making my escape from the darkness of depression, that I could not try large changes to my psychology as too much would trigger a defense mechanism of sorts that would block my efforts to make changes. So I started small and added things as I progressed. I had no idea what I was doing really. Only in hindsight can I look for steps that I took.
I propose to include in this book a step-by-step plan to help people change their way of thinking. I believe it can help with overcoming many other issues in life. I can only present this as my own experiences. I cannot say for sure that what has been a major change in my life even has anything to do with this information.
What I am doing here is presenting my experiences as compelling evidence that real, professional, studies need to be done in this realm. Maybe by showing how I have experimented with this will help push forward some research.
So, here are the steps I took.
Chapter One
First step was an experiment.
When I sat down and made my choice to live or die it came with a caveat. I would only accept to continue living on Earth if I could substantially improve my quality of life. I had been in depression for years. I remember many tearful calls to my sister or best friend, Brad, late at night because I screwed something up and was desperate. I was NOT going to accept a life like that.
I have read a lot of self help books in my life. I enjoyed books like “One” by Richard Bach and “The Way Of The Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. I kept up on the current teachings like Wayne Dyer and the power of intent and such. Nothing ever really stuck with me and caused any life changes. But I guess it was there in the back of my mind. That's how I figure I was able to embark on a step-by-step process to overcome depression.
I was sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could not stand living the lifestyle I had and I could not die because I was concerned about Azure's reaction. (Azure is mentioned in the previous chapter).
After I researched what I had done to break out of depression I found I could create a step-by-step approach that could cause changes in such an order that it would be most likely to create the desired effect. I attempt to build first a foundation and then a sturdy building of a new neural network so as to have the best opportunity to become the default outlook.
I did not know about how the brain decides how to grow the various neural networks it operates from. I only knew that I could see things darkly regularly and needed to come up with a way to change that focus. It had almost killed me once and was keeping my quality of life low.
I lived then in a homeless shelter in Portland, OR. This was around the middle of the 2000's. What I did was to try to make a conscious effort to remember when something nice happened like someone smiling at me or a friendly greeting. I would take a couple seconds and assign a feeling, so to speak, to it. Like someone smiles at me in passing. I would remember it with a warm feeling attached to it.
Later in the day something negative would happen. My normal reaction would be something to the effect that bad things always happen to me. I had built a belief system where I only had negative things happen to me.
So, with the positive events I had committed to memory I could not justify such thoughts. Over about two weeks of doing this I was beginning to feel a bit more positive. That was step one.
As I present these steps I will show how the brain builds a neural network to support what you focus on the most. I believe that with the combination of showing the science of how the neural network works and how the brain decides how to configure that neural network I can make this information understandable and acceptable to many people.
The necessity of accepting this information is important. Since this is an attempt to get the brain to change its programming it is important to get the brain “on board” with the idea, so to speak. The actual reprogramming will be done within the brain so it is important to have it in an accepting state.
So, a little about this process of neural reprogramming is appropriate at this point.
This is the same process the brain uses to learn. Nothing hookey about it. It is real science. It is how I used it that is the subject of this book.
The brain uses a network of Neurons to make connections throughout the brain. It is similar to how computers work, in that the connections can represent binary data. So an individual neural network is like a sub-routine or a piece of code designed to accomplish a specific task. Sometimes the task is to form your outlook on the world.
As we grow up our brain creates neural networks designed to support your interactions with the world. You come into the world a blank slate, so to speak, with just the default neural network that governs things like breathing, beating the heart and gender identity, (whatever that means to you) and need to experience things to build programs in your brain to help make sense of it all and to give you information on how to operate.
When you watch a baby for a period of time you will notice how it is interacting with it's environment. It touches things and seems to be evaluating how it feels. It smells stuff. Tastes stuff. Sometimes it puts something in its mouth and gets a sour disgusted look on its face.
The baby is learning. It is because of the neural network that learning can occur. I will show how this works in a bit. This learning process also applies to anything the parents impart on their children, like prejudices, religious beliefs, political views and much more.
If the parent makes you feel unworthy or unloved you will build a neural network that supports those feelings. You may never understand why you have such a difficult time in life, but much will be due to not believing in yourself.
When you focus on something your brain takes notice. If it is something you focus on often it will not only build a neural network to support that, but if it is a repetitive thought it will sheath the neurons with a material called Myelin that makes that neuron conduct much faster than others, effectively making that neural network a default.
Any new thought, like a view of a commercial on TV will create a shadowy, weak neural connection where the thought itself will cause the creation of the weak connections that will disconnect if not used again in a short time.
When you see the same commercial twice or three times in the same commercial break it causes that weak network to strengthen a bit more. When the show is back on you will likely have thoughts of that commercial in the “back of your mind”. Then it gets further strengthened in the next commercial break.
So if you are always focusing on how bad things always happen to you, and you EXPECT the bad outcome from any situation it is probably because the expectations you have created a negative neural network that then got a Myelin sheath so it became your default thinking.
There's more to it that takes into account a lot of other factors, but keep reading and I will lay it out in logical order.
The good news is that the individual neural connections can be made to disconnect. In the same way they are formed they can be destroyed. If you have an established neural connection, for something like that commercial, then if you change how you watch TV and do not encounter that commercial for a while, maybe up to a month, these neural networks that support that thought will begin to disconnect from lack of use. Every day you do not use that network it will weaken until it is gone.
But if you someday see that commercial again, especially multiple times, you will grow that neural network again.
The same thing can be done with networks that support a negative world view. It is a bit more difficult considering it is a part of your identity, but it can be done. Just do it in a way that overcomes the Ego's natural need to keep things as they are. In my opinion you need to keep the changes down to small increments.
So the method of remembering the small positive stuff to use to replace the negative stuff has evidence in science. This is what I am trying to show, to make you more comfortable in following the steps I present, is that there is validation in science for what I propose, and with that knowledge it becomes much easier to implement the plan as I present it.
https://www.statnews.com/2016/06/02/kavli-prize-brain-neuroscience/
An interesting note is that the same method is proposed in the New Age idea of The Law Of Attraction. I was surprised when I read about it and saw this information there.
As I look back and analyze what I did I find that it is important to not try to make big changes to your neural network as that is destined to fail. When the Ego feels threatened it will react with ways to block implementation of this. Large changes are disturbing to the part of us that likes to keep things the same as they are. This is why when you try to make big changes, like eating better, or quitting smoking, many times people cannot keep up with the changes and they revert back to the comfortable and unchallenged status qua. You get addicted to your way of life, even if it is not pleasant. So taking small steps is more likely to make lasting success.
So, working this plan in small increments would work best. Let's get started.
Each step will be addressed in length as the book moves on. I chose to set up steps because to make large changes to your psychology would be doomed to failure. It might work for a few days or even hours. But you want the long run. It has been four years for me now.
What I did, when experimenting with my plan to get out of depression, were small steps building on the foundation of the previous step. I believe building a sturdy base to build on makes these steps work together to form a positive mindset that will become automatic.
Chapter Two
Notice the nice things
Step one is to make a small effort to remember nice things that happen to you every day. Things like when someone smiles at you, or is nice to you. The things that you easily overlook when in depression.
I always knew, when I was deeply depressed, that there were some nice things that happened to me. I just would not acknowledge them. So I took that as a way to start my experiment. I did exactly as the opening sentence of this chapter says.
I figured that it was easy to find the negative in situations when you are not seeing the positive side. What I needed was a repertoire of nice memories to bring out when something bad happened.
I might be sitting on a bus bench and a police officer might order me to move on. I would usually think about how everything bad happens to me. With fresh memories of nice things I could think of one of them and replace the negative thought.
It would work something like this: When something bad happened I would usually AUTOMATICALLY see the negative. As discussed earlier, the negative thought would either create or strengthen a negative neural pathway or network.
To short that process, to stop adding reinforcement to that negative network I would substitute a nice memory immediately, even if I could only bring it to consciousness for a few seconds, to block the further formation of a negative neural network.
I had no idea this is what I was doing at the time. I learned this after the fact, but I have found supporting evidence in modern neuroscience as well as some new age self help publications.
Neuroplasticity shows that neural pathways that are inactive for a period of time will disconnect and wither away. Those that are most active get sheathed in a material that not only reinforces the neuron, but conducts the signals much faster. So the neural pathways built from the thoughts of nice things eventually become the default pathways and the resulting thought processes will be more positive.
As I progressed and could feel the difference in my depression, I started adding things to the experiment. The next thing I added was making better choices. I saw a quote once in a book that I really like on this subject. “You are the result of all the choices you have made in life. Make better choices”.
Usually when confronted with having to make a decision I would just instantly do so. But I began to realize I had made a lot of bad choices for that reason. So I began to give myself at least a few seconds to make a choice. That would give me a space to think of the potential outcomes.
